SOLO: Keep Smoking, Quit Socialism, Mr. President!
SOLO-International Press Release: Keep Smoking, Quit Socialism, Mr. President!
June 24, 2009
President Benito Obamadinejad would be better advised to stop the fascist/socialist juggernaut he is driving rather than fret about falling off the wagon in his effort to quit smoking, says SOLO Principal Lindsay Perigo.
At his Tuesday press conference, a day after signing legislation giving the government unprecedented power to regulate tobacco, Obamadinejad claimed he was "95 percent cured" of his own tobacco addiction. But he added, "there are times where I mess up."
"Please, Mr. President, mess up more," Perigo entreats. "Embrace the eulogy by that incomparable 19th century Epicurean, Robert Green Ingersoll, to tobacco leaves: 'Within their magic warp and woof some potent gracious spell imprisoned lies, that, when released by fire, doth softly steal within the fortress of the brain and bind in sleep the captured sentinels of care and grief.'
"In that state of blissful reverie may you come to see tobacco not as an aid to running car companies, banks, health care and everyone's lives but as an alternative.
"And don't worry about the risks to your health. To quote Ingersoll again: 'The doctors may say it shortens life—but the longer life is without it, the worse it is. The preachers say that to use it is wicked. The reason, and the only one they have, for saying this is that it gives us joy. For my own part, I had rather smoke one cigar than hear two sermons.'
"Remember that the one thing above all that merits a government health warning is ... Big Government. Instead of rushing headlong toward nationalizing doctors, slash taxes and penalize ludicrous law suits so that more folk can afford insurance. Contemplate the die-while-you-wait nature of nationalized health systems in the likes of Britain and New Zealand, whose victims could enlighten you if they weren't dead. Remind yourself that the inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness pertain to tobacco use, health care and everything else. Grasp that your addiction to Big Government is way more unhealthy—for all of us—than your addiction to nicotine.
"Rather than making war on freedom, Mr. President, make out with a fag .... twenty times a day if necessary. The liberty you are sworn to uphold will be the safer and healthier for it," Perigo concludes.