MEDIA RELEASE
Satirists for Section 59 Debate
29 May 2009
SATIRE

Keyhole earbashes Ministry over “ear#lick”

Prominent New Zealand political satirist and rock’n roll drummer, John (“Ear#lick”) Keyhole, 50, recently convicted in Court of assault for “ear #licking” his four year-old son; this morning staged a noisy protest inside the Offices of the Ministry of Education in Wellington. Supported by his fellow Angry Dad band members, he provoked and painstakingly ‘earbashed’ Ministry of Education Secretary Dr Karina Knowitall and Head of the Teachers Council Director Dr Petty Lindylace over their failure to deregister two Eastern Bay of Plenty primary school teachers accused of engaging in systematic and serious child abuse (“corporal punishment”).

Witnesses reported that band members using drums and other props “raised the decibel level into the stratosphere within the Ministry Offices”, where normally only the gentle, sultry, rustling of education briefing papers being shuffled and signed, can be heard. They carried placards containing the headline accusations levelled at the named child abusers by the victims’ parents, highlighting their complaints that had been put in writing to the school boards, ignored by officials, then publicised recently in the NZ Herald last week. The report referred to the teachers having been “accused of whipping a boy round the legs”, “smacking a pupil and ordering a child to hit another so they knew what it felt like”; and “slaps around the legs, face, around the head and ‘nearly everywhere’”.

Angry Dad’s violent ear-bashing of the Ministry officials involved a cacophony directed by band lead singer, #lick Hardie-Boys, who wore a mock “Registered Teacher and Child Abuser” teaching smock with a rainbow-coloured sash. The “excessive din” generated by the protest action was reported by Ministry official Miss Bellamy Payne to an attractive off-duty policewoman, Constable Miss Candy Donowrong. She immediately paged Police HQ and six enthusiastic male police officers arrived at the protest nerve centre within minutes.

Keyhole was quickly arrested on the spot as his “ear-flick” drumming actions, directed he says “solely at his drum kit,” were perceived by the astute manly officers of the law, as directed “in a threatening and disciplinary manner – suggestive of correction” - against Dr Knowitall and Dr Petty Lindylace.

The upshot of the protest was that Keyhole and his band members’ serious concerns over the failure of Ministry officials to adequately sanction teachers accused of child abuse, were quickly relayed to the Director of New Zealand’s Child Protection Squad in Parliament Buildings – a well-known Green Party activist (details available on Wikipedia). She (unnamed) interrupted her riveting speech in parliament on legalising marijuana, when informed of the “Ministry incident” and then referred to it in her speech as “proof” that all MPs must demand that all “ear-#lickers” they know, and “all their myriads of supporters, be urged to vote YES in the forthcoming anti-smacking law referendum.”

LATEST UPDATE

In a Special News Report carried on IT.com late this morning, it was revealed that the aforementioned unnamed Green Party MP had been informed by Ministry officials about the systematic child abuse carried out by the registered teachers, just last week. She told IT.com that it was “shocking” but has said nothing more publicly about the “systematic child abuse”, excusing her silence as follows.

“I am too focused at present on contacting “ear-#flickers” and their supporters in my own electorate to tell them how, why and when to vote YES in the forthcoming “anti-smacking referendum.”

ENDS

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